Jingle McSorley was the former Lead Elf of the Land of Misfit Toys. Last Tuesday after a heated exchange with Santa, he threw down his miniature apron and stormed off the North Pole ice. The SLM Hub conducted the first-ever exclusive live interview with a Christmas Elf, revealing shocking details of the massive and controversial inner workings of Santa, Inc.
SLM Hub: “Jingle, thank you for joining us today, and apologies for this hot Atlanta air. You were the esteemed Lead Elf at the Land of Misfit Toys for 325 years. Why are you leaving now, and why so suddenly?”
Jingle: “Bah! The Land of Misfit Toys is a ghost town. That was a cushy job watching those islands. I got to know each toy over the years, and each island evolved its own culture, unaware of the others. Now Santa knows what toys are where, and the toys are never there for more than a few days before they’re repaired or recycled into newer toys. Even Rudolph doesn’t visit anymore. He went and got a nose job last year, now that Santa’s sleigh has fog lights.”
SLM Hub: “Jingle, it sounds pretty rough. Did you consider transferring to the main warehouse? I hear they have excellent benefits there”.
Jingle: “Yeah, the pay is higher at the warehouse now, but there’s no bonus stock left for us anymore on December 26. That used to be our holiday, when we’d get the inventory surplus that the good kids didn’t want. Santa’s so darn accurate at predicting wish lists now. He has databases of prior wish lists and even wires the Mall Santas to listen in on the kids’ current requests. It’s maddening. The stats elves are to blame. My elf kids are still playing with TeleTubbie dolls and “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” board game surpluses from 10 years ago. Do you have any idea how annoying TeleTubbies are, let alone after 10 years? Santa, have mercy…overstock on some Legos and PlayStations, please!”
SLM Hub: “Well, surely Christmas Eve must be a blast for the elves. Is it still the biggest party north of the Arctic Circle?”
Jingle: “Christmas Eve ain’t what it used to be either. It was smooth sailing before the population started exploding in 1945. We’d have a few drinks, load up a few sleigh loads and that was it – Santa was off for the night and we’d party like it’s 1899. Now we have a zillion good kids, and no extra staff. Santa doesn’t even deliver presents himself anymore, except to the very best kids, like Yankees fans. He outsources the rest on GPS-fitted sleighs and watches them like a hawk from his command center. If any of them veers off course, stops too long for spiked eggnog, or idles the Flux Capacitor on a rooftop, an alarm sounds, and he’s all over them.”
SLM Hub: “Even though you’re a gruff old curmudgeon, Santa would surely ask you to return, and you could name your price. Think of all the experience you have in servicing toys.”
Jingle: “If I played that card 10 years ago I’d be a rich little man! It’s tough to keep good talent in the North Pole, you know. The smart youth wants to go way down south to Fairbanks or Edmonton where there’s warmth and excitement – no Justin Bieber or Bryan Adams concerts in the North Pole. We had a huge talent gap a few years ago, but Santa got the best and brightest elves off of the toy making lines and had them write their service wisdom in a knowledge base. Santa now pays us based on our knowledge contribution rather than toy-saving heroics. The elf cowboy days are over.”
SLM Hub: “Sounds like quite an operation. I bet the good children are happy.”
Jingle: “Yes, surveys are way up. We haven’t missed a good kid’s house before dawn in 7 years.”
SLM Hub: “What do Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen think about all of these changes at Santa, Inc.”
Jingle: “I don’t know. I haven’t seen them in five years. They’re all retired in the Caymans, living off of huge stock dividend checks.”
SLM Hub: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Jingle (excited): “A Red-Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot Range Model air rifle!”
SLM Hub: “You’ll shoot your eye out.”
Jingle: “This interview is OVER.
About Jingle McSorley:
Jingle McSorley is the former Lead Elf of the Land of Misfit Toys. He was born in 1697 at the North Pole, the son of a wooden toy elf, and began his career in the metal toy shop. But, when toy returns began 1786, he transferred to the repair depot, better known as the Land of the Misfit Toys and stayed there until his untimely exit in 2011. An avid ice fisherman, Jingle is now retired in Barrow, Alaska, where he is working on his memoirs and consults global toy executives.
Special thanks to frequent SLM Hub guest contributor Dave Duncan for this “exclusive” interview. Happy Holidays!